Pain is just a simple compromise
by Cadburytropper96
Summary: 'She was dead and there was nothing he could do about it.' An insight into Peter's feelings when Gwen dies and how she helped him move on. Title taken from 'Misguided Ghosts' by Paramore.


**I don't own Spider Man.**

* * *

_I used to call_

_I used to call you my own, my dear_

_But now you're lost_

_And I am drunk alone, my dear_

_My Own - Whitaker_

* * *

He scampers down his string of web and cradles her in his arms. 'Gwen?' He asks. A pang of fear shoots through him at her non response. This is the stillest he's ever seen her. She's normally soo full of life, soo vivacious that **he's** the one who has to calm her down and make her stand still for a few moments.

He calls her name again and for a split second he can almost see her chest inhale with an intake of breath, almost feel her pulse beneath his fingertips. His throat chokes up and the pinpricks of fear have morphed into full fledged panic. He's desperate now, pleading with her to wake up, to breathe, to do something, **anything** that will signal that she's okay.

That she's still with him.

Blood trickles out of her nose and just like that, Peter shatters. His hope snuffs out and he crumples into a heap of sobs and gasps. His grip on her doesn't let up, not even for a little bit and her father's words play over and over again in his head.

Keep Gwen out of it.

**Keep Gwen out of it.**

He should've let her go.

He should've kept her at arm's length.

He should've protected her.

But he didn't.

Self condemning thoughts run through his mind and a sea of grief and shame crashes down on him and pulls him under.

He's drowning.

* * *

It's been five months since she died. Five months since he pulled on his Spidey suit. Five months since he stopped living. Till this day he cannot remember how he got her body to the hospital or how he dropped Harry off with the police. The details of that night are either still blurry or he's buried them beneath walls of grief and pain.

He goes to see her every day. It's become a sort of ritual for him and although he gives the excuse that he's looking for closure, he knows the real reason why he keeps going back. He can't let go. He can't see a world with her signature pink lipstick or her adorable laugh or the cute way she rubs her nose.

A world without her is a bleak and dreary one. One he simply cannot commit himself to. He hears about the robberies and killings and he can't help but ignore them. His Spidey suit is locked away in his closet because even now, he can smell traces of her perfume if he sniffs deep enough. The reminder of what happened the last time he wore it is etched in his memory and he's not sure if it would ever disappear.

Aunt May is cleaning out Uncle Ben's things and it inspires him to take a look at Gwen's speech. He's watched it several times in the last five months with tears streaming down his face and him gasping for breath at sight of her face and the sound of her voice but this time he doesn't just do that.

He listens to her words and what she says makes him cry harder. Despite his tears, a little laugh bubbles up in him because even in death she's guiding him. She's giving him the push to go on, the assurance that things will eventually get okay and he loves her more than ever.

The radio crackles to life and Peter picks up news of an iron rhino causing mayhem downtown. He takes one last look at her on the screen and he catches the last words of her speech.

'…so don't waste it living someone else's life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?'

Another small laugh escapes through his lips and he wipes his tears away before making his way over to the closet. His heart tugs as he pulls on the suit but he knows what he has to do now. What she would want him to do.

He takes one last glance at her picture on his table before slinging out the window.

In death and in life, no matter what happens, she will always be his path.

* * *

**I just saw this yesterday and I burst into tears in the cinema. Their relationship was sooo sweet and touching and mature and all sorts of things wrapped up in ball. I will really miss them.**

**Cadburytropper96**


End file.
